Every Fitness Mistake I Have Made

Complete With Nerdisms!

By Scott Mason

I just got home from a Meetup on a Wednesday Night where people run and get a drink after. There are several mistakes rolled into this but I’m saving that for near the end. Like every person on a fitness journey, errors are always made that require sorting out. We are responsible for the inevitable corrections of form. It takes time to establish sustainable routines for hitting the gym, street, ring, yoga mat or play button on our favorite streaming service. We have off days. We our tempted into having one too many cheat meals (or 100). If your life gets screwed up by being too tired, disappointed, dehydrated, malnourished or just plain miserable because of your efforts, it’s on you to fix it quickly. This post discusses none of those things. The above mentioned logisitics are givens, and it is on you to roll with them. Instead here is advice from a NYer fresh out of the home infirmary. Some of it is based on suspicion more than certainty.

1. I Over-Estimated the Variety Someone Can Bring to a Sport Scene

I have not read a J.K. Rowling book in over 20 years for many reasons that digress from the point I’m trying to make. Nothing will get me to change that. I do remember the challenges near the climax of “The Sorcerer’s Stone.” Ron plays Chess. Hermoine solves a potion puzzle. Harry takes on the bad guy. If you are just starting out on your path to building muscle or losing weight, this kind of skill diversity doesn’t exist if you are trying to run around the neighborhood or hit a ball the right way. What’s more, you are going to be surrounded by people who are a million times better at these single-minded tasks. This boils down to the fact that friendships, especially adult ones, are an exchange of capital. Just because the exchange in value doesn’t need to be monetary or professional doesn’t mean friendship isn’t a transaction, plain and simple. You won’t get the time of day if you can’t fit in fitness-wise.

2. I Didn’t See the Jedi Definition of Friendship For Its Hollow Nature

Alec Guinness’s Obi-wan Kenobi referred to Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader as a friend when Luke met up with his ghost in the third outing of the original trilogy. Unfortunately, that ignores the nature of the master/padawan relationship. No matter how many clones, stormtroopers, droids, rancors, outlaws or space merchants the various jedi partnerships in the franchise gut with their lightsabers, one is always of a higher existence and gains nothing from the other beyond self-gratification and a few dozen distractions, quick assists and tech support to measure a blood property that was retired after “The Phantom Menace.” A lopsided skill level of fitness friendships is even worse for the lack of quick assists while trying to block a volleyball, catch a kickball or keep up during a jog.

3. I Adopted Indie’s Work Ethic

This one hurts because you gotta love all the messy ways Harrison Ford has thrashed the Third Reich. Not the degenerate right-wing skinheads who read the kinds of hateful propaganda that Ron DeSantis probably wouldn’t feel like banning in Florida schools. I mean the xenophobic genuine articles. Getting fed to a plane propeller or turned into goo by the Arc of the Covenant were rare moments when Hollywood’s heart and soul were in the right place. Still, you can easily blame Harrison Ford’s wanderlust crazed scholar for being a really lousy friend, son, business partner, father and especially lover. Why I am going into this? When you put your effort into your form, your results and your attempts to actually be relevant in a workout setting, you become single minded in purpose. You may not be as much of a callous jerk to the people close to you but it does make your social life into a death trap.

4. I Took the One Ring to the East River

This is for anyone who only watched Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings Trilogy. What happened to Frodo after Gollum accidently knocked the Evil Ring of Power into the Volcano. After the hero’s welcome, he basically chose death anyway by sailing off to Elf Heaven, or whatever word Tolkien made up for it. He was just too exhausted, even to interact with his best friend/manservant ever again. An intense session of cardio, strength training or worse, a game that you prevent your team from winning has a similar effect to a long, perilous trek to Mount Doom.

5. I Thanked God That It Was Wednesday!

One of my favorite Simpsons episodes parodied the X-Files with guests including Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny and Leonard Nemoy. A common theme is the Friday night routines of several characters. One bit has Grandpa Simpson’s friend, Jasper saying “Thank God it’s Wednesday” before taking his medicine. The person he is sitting next to reminds him it’s Friday. His hair grows uncontrollably and he says “uh oh, wrong pills.” I’d love to study human social psychology on Wednesday nights in a bar vs Friday nights in a bar. People are obviously more stressed out halfway through the week. They have no time for newbies or the out of place. They have two more workdays and cannot afford to switch off. They want the best options for the weekend and will not settle for less. You will be ignored if you don’t look like you are worth it, even if you are confident and dress right, it’s not your night if you are the least fit person in the bar.

6. I Tried to Live With Human Optics From Ghostbusters

Unless supernatural chaos breaks loose, society believes that Ray, Peter, Winston and Egon really are just a bunch of con men, nightmares of P&C insurers and EPA hazards in the form of four dudes with tiny nukes on their backs and a firehouse full of spooks. That dazzling tech rarely saves them from public scrutiny or the excessive amounts of property damage left in their wake every time someone gives them a call. That is a clearsighted take that practically defies how human perception is experienced. Everyday people are not capable of enjoying the “what you see is what you get.” Flash is everything in real life, especially in group fitness classes and running groups, aside from basic etiquette. I’ve spent my career in places where everyone pulls their weight. I’m not a grandstander and that really counts against me.

7. I Tried to Choose the Dynamic Duo Over the Man of Steel

“This is why Superman works alone.” Yes, I actually quoted George Clooney from the movie that gave Poison Ivy’s kiss of death to the campy motion picture era of The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder. It’s voiced when Batman and Robin are arguing over who drives the Batmobile vs the Batcycle. Plenty of people enjoy working out in pairs or groups. It gives a sense of motivation and accountability. Plenty of them enjoy having a reward at the end of the finish line that can be shared with 1 or perhaps 50 others. I, for the moment at least, am simply not one of them. I can’t treat it like a chance to interact with others because I simply am too far behind my fellow fitter millennials. Plus, I’m too stinking beat to strike up a conversation.

8. I Got Cocky During the First Jump Program on the Nebuchadnezzar

Not all of these are downer points. Here’s one about overconfidence. In The Matrix, the resistance goes through extensive training in how to manipulate space, time and physics at a short range. One of the most important…is the jump sequence. A trainee needs to jump a seemingly impossible gap between two buildings. It doesn’t just serve the purpose of getting better at breaking the natural laws of a false reality. It is an equivalent to learning how to walk in a new world. Complete with the effort to learn and the pain of failure as hitting the ground in the Matrix functions just like hitting the ground in real life. When you get back into running after a VERY long time, there’s no telling how much you can actually handle before you start crashing and burning. I didn’t find out by falling but I sure needed some Advil to get to sleep that night for my back.

9. I Treated Over-Exertion Like Lord Baelish’s Chaos Ladder. Not Varys’ Pit

In “Games of Thrones,” there is an exchange over a montage where Lord Baelish’s bloody handiwork as a member of King Joffrey’s court is playing out over a debate on the methaphorical properties of the term “chaos.” While his doppleganger, Lord Varys, likens it to a pit, Baelish likens it to a ladder. The former sees it as a threat to the realm and everything in it. The latter sees it as a chance for advancement. Working out too much with others is definitely a pit. You are never at your best when drained. The rest of your life can get wrecked from being too sapped of your strength to focus on other things. Finally, it’s a needless blow to morale. Of all these bullet points, this is probably the one that has upended my journey to get fit the most.

Final Points About Self-Worth and a Reprogrammed Cyborg Quote

New York is a big city. Plenty of people won’t match with me anyway, and even fewer are worth pining over. I’m sure the vast majority of people I’ve dealt with in all-level running and fitness groups weren’t worth thinking about after the first visit. Even still, from a preventive standpoint there’s always a possibility that my chances of establishing a worthwhile connection were ruined simply because I was not presentable in my current shape. The more people you open yourself up to, the more people who get pushed away if you aren’t up to snuff. I’m not advocating for perfection. I’m advocating for being prepared. Plus, people have short memories. If you aren’t a regular after a bad start, fall off the grid for a few months and come back later and better than ever, it is unlikely that too many people will be the wiser. I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s too early to share my fitness journey beyond my living room and my posts. So as I work to shave off another 15 lbs, increase my run time and build some lean muscle, I’d like to say in the “T2 Judgement Day” spirit, “Stay here. I’ll be baaahck.”